The Diary of a Freshman: An assembly that never was

The village calls me the hope that be, my comrades call me a freshman but you who is reading this should just call me Francis Umar Nyamwandha Daniel, or better still Funda if you so please. Francis because my mother Pascalia believes I should be a bishop like bishop francis himself, Nyamwandha because my grandfather was so, Umar because my father somehow realized that Barrack Obama’s middle name is Hussein,(did I mention any relations ? Hope not) and finally Daniel because.., well I can’t really trace its origin. All the same I am Funda, the freshest freshman in town, and this………, is my diary.

I thought I heard the bell, or better yet, an imitation of it. Just as the senior student had implied, we were to wait for the bell that morning. I check my phone and spring from the bed upon meeting the digits 7:50, in ten minutes I would be late. The memories of Mr. Ochar, my high school physics tutor (he preferred to be called that way) only made it worse especially when I remembered the days he had the first lesson in the morning, here was a teacher who taught physics in Luo and set exams in English. ‘’….. rao ogwande rabbet, mano ema omiyo onyalo wuotho e chuodho mayoom mohingo dhiang’ ….’’  (…., hippopotamus wide feet enable it to comfortably tread on muddy areas unlike a cow.. ) Thus would go a physics class discussion on pressure and area. How I managed a sublime but strong D+ in his subject is still a mystery to many, the paper had been tough and the practical bit, almost impractical in our tiny lab in Sigomre mixed secondary school. My long-time desk-mate Ajosi made six trips to the latrines during this one exam, yes it was one of those times an exam elicited diarrhea symptoms. He managed an A (that which is only found in a e i o u) and is currently putting up a good fight in chasing the Kenyan dream at Sigomre polytechnic: a certificate in metalwork.

I put on my corduroy trousers-which Dan says is a reserve of pensioners in his rural Murang’a locality. I am not offended by this as the degree of his color-clashing is a reserve of witchdoctors back in my village. I remember the senior student had said it happens anywhere one sees the famous sign. I had seen one somewhere near some mess I remember, off I leave and rush down the pavement, pass the lavington blocks and into the road. At this point if you ask me where I reside, the answer is obvious, whenever you see me advancing towards the lavi blocks, trust me when I say  I stay there, still trust me when you see me heading beyond the lavish hostels on assumption that am picking something from Maringo hostels, only stop trusting me when I mysteriously disappear in between Maringo and lavi.

I arrive at the place and as surprise beckons, am the first arrival. Now this is funny, 8:00 a.m and yet nobody arrived? I step on the grass and wait, this is campus anyway, nobody’s in a hurry. The green sign post staring directly at me, am between Thornton hostel and lower mess. So I stand, my face bearing the conscientious serenity of an innocent freshman. Am amused Dan and Joss haven’t made it to this place yet, I made sure I patted them and pulled away their blankets before I hurriedly left. Ten minutes passed, twenty…, oh no I decide to gather up courage and inquire from these ladies making trips with sufurias n kettles to and fro behind me. ‘’excuse me..,’’ I turn and approach one, she halts hesitantly .., stops, ‘’leo hakuna parade?’’ I ask.

What follows is a hearty laughter (no it was not a giggle) that doesn’t answer my question, ‘’seriously??’’ she queries, I turn and look at the signpost perhaps not able to verbally explain myself, her laughter amplifies as she stares at the green post that reads ‘’ASSEMBLY POINT’’. This isn’t helping, matter of fact getting embarrassing with many ladies stopping to listen. ‘’There is no morning assembly in the university’’, she finally says. Should you get wind of information that oxford is updating their dictionary, please contact me, I have the best definition for embarrassment.

Now I know, assembly point sign is for safety purpose whenever there is a fire outbreak, so that ‘continuing student’ we meet yesterday actually lied about morning assembly. The ‘bell’ I heard in the morning was actually Dan’s phone alarm, okay am not implying the make of the phone, all I mean is that it actually sounded like an actual bell in the morning.

 I was admitted on Friday last week, and this is my fourth day in this place. I  invoke my ‘disappearing’ skills and enter the J.F Kennedy Mess where I spend a whooping 50 shillings on breakfast, now that’s much…..,isn’t it?